Since I was a child
there'd always be the carrot
dangling right before me
Something to hold over me
To submit to what you wanted
I am grown now
There's another man in my life now
You can decide
I haven't been sleeping.
The jingle of your keys rattles me awake each morning.
I'm strangulated by the tension in this house of unsaid words.
You're strangling me.
Looking forward to leaving this place.
24 years of overbearing control is more than enough.
I think an international call or two per day is more than enough.
I get really lonely at times.
Mostly when he's not around to talk to.
At least it's like he's here when I can talk to him.
I'm afraid I won't be good enough.
He deserves the best.
I'm two-tone shift-shaped fucked-up.
One hyphenation after the next.
I need a drink, or a hobby.
Besides the narcissistic dwelling of self-awareness.
This place is killing me.
Sometimes I feel it's eaten me alive.
I'm worried it's rubbed off on me.
These people, ugh, this accent.
And then there's you old friend.
Just a blank page.
Reassuring and painful at the same time.
You have expectations of your own.
That the words on the page might be worthy.
Well this is for your consideration.
It's been a year and a half since I've written in this thing and so much has changed.....let's see ...wasted a year of my life with yet another douchebag....but it gets better....met the mos amazing man in the world and we are getting married and moving to London! Which means I haven't been writing as much :( but I have been writing still....also about 20k words into a novel .....will try to post more on here soon
It is so incredibly sad.....to be alone.....peotic at first.....immensly horrible at the very best....as much as we try to play it off as an "i'll be ok" type-saying. Sad it is. Horribly alone I think we all may be. I have felt too often that the warm body lying next to me never knew me. Almost the same as I never new myself. ...I want to be so badly to be this being that does not mind the feeling of being alone. I want so bad to be this. Yet there is a part of me that feels so empty.
The worst part of feeling empty I think is not the alone itself....but moreso...the memory of what it was like when you weren't...That certain glimpse...that certain slightly everso small part of your life that was good....when things were right...even for one second...when it WAS good.,.....that haunts a soul so much more than being alone itself....that certain glimpse of happiness life gave you at one point or another....that thing...that intangible thing...that supernova of good that was everything that you thought was attainable and innattainble all at the same time. That beauty. Untouchable beauty. That you never thought you were deserving of and it still touched your life. Unjudegemental, Unchanging, unwithering....Perfect in it's own sense........just RIGHT. For so long as as it lasted....jusr right.....even if it was a lie to begin with....there's this unespacapble part of your being that cannot get away from it...that cannot escape any part of it.....that for every faked smile....every wink...every little feigned itnerest you take in anything...there it remains...this part of you that remembers when things were actually GOOD...RIGHT...TRUE..even for one second. One second...where your heart felt no want. Where you believed everything that your heart said to you for that very second....there was that time for most of us....quite unfortunately...mostly this ends in tragedy, at least a bit...things never turned out quite the way it seemed or the way you thought it would.................even with this thought and knowledge...still there remains this haunting presence that tells you that things COULD be better and should. ......whether true or not I don't know.....but it so haunts me that sometimes it's a struggle to put on my clothes and face the day. Just knowing that once things were perfect....or maybe not perfect...but perfect enough for me...I once felt perfect love....and it's no longer here......
The deepest part of me questions whether or not I can truly love like the first time. The thing about the first time is that there was this one time where I was never hurt and loved like there wasn't a tomorrow...but I may have loved that way because I HAD never been hurt? What am I now? What I see of me is this sooo imperfect person that has been hurt and doesn't know who to trust. Even best friends seem fault-worthy....what does this make me? Who am I now that I can't trust....the only thing I can do these days is hope there is someone that is somehow able to get past all of that anger and resentment and get to that very core core of me and love me anyways....I just hope that they love me anyways. ButI still hurt with the uncertainty that this all may be in vain.
Although my tongue is venomous
by a thouseand words said / not said
my eyes dizzied from the spinning sky
circling as I tilt my head
Though it is so dark I can't see light
and we sink so deep
The worst of this is that taste
so light that it remains unreal
So of a fucking bitch!!!!1 Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck!!! son of a motherfucking...fucked either way....bitch!!!!!!!!!!
I fucking try to send out all these fucking resumes to get a job....get hassled by everyone in my life to find a job....so i finally get interviews for two awesome places.....and guess the fuck what? i can't get there...have no fucking car down here and none of my "friends" can help me out..........HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO G ET AFUCKING JOB W HEN I CAN'T EVEN GET TO THE MOTHERFUCKING INTERIVEW? ....I FUCKING HELPED MY FRIEND MOVE AND EVERYTHING AND I CAN'T EVEN GET A RIDE DOWN THE STREET FROM HER.....FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT ....NEXT TIME ANYONE ASKS MY FOR A FAVOR THEY CAN GO FUCK THEMSELVES.
"I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: 'O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous.' And God granted it."
So I'm just sitting here innocently and all of the sudden I hear this gushing noise...but for some reason, I don't really think about it....then a minute later I hear my mom screaming for me....so I run into her room and apparently the pipe on the toilet broke and there's toilet water gushing all over the room...and she's shouting "call a plumber!!!!" and I run to the phone book and I'm shaking so hard from laughing I can barely turn the pages....so she screams for me to call the neighbor over....so I knock on his door and almost fall down laughing ...and he comes over anad turns all the water off....
So there's my mom....covered in toilet water....and she's giving me the evilest look like she's going to kill me for laughing at her....
Ha! ...I'm such an asshole
Ok...but the shitty thing is now I have no water till this thing gets fixed!!! BAH!!!!!!!!!
So.... not much news to report...two of my friends came over last night and got drunk w/ me. Well, really it was my one friend Dave and his friend Farris, who I said could only come over if he let me call him Farris Bueller (sp)....yah...watched my fave comedian (Dane Cook) host SNL...and introduced the boys to the Pat Boone (aka Richard Cheese) metal album...haha...they seemed to get a kick out of it.
I finally slept half-way decent last night (alcohol-induced)....and woke up today at 1:30 lalala.. my best friend is looking like she's going to pop so I'm going to forgo the Orlando thing and any other trips out of town in case she has the baby (due on the 20th)...she put me on the list of people to be in the delivery room w/ her...so it's really important I don't miss it.
In other news, I am considering a career change. I was going to school for nursing but, as it turns out, every school in the state has a yr or more wait to get into the program. Then it's two more years of school...Bah!...so I'm thinking maybe game design/graphic arts/animation...considering that I'd have the ability to use my creative skills that way. Also, there's Digital Media Arts school in Boca that is hiring which would give me a break on tuition..which is always a good thing.
I'm going down to Hollywood sometime this week to meet a guy that wants to work w/ me and use my voice for his Electroclash project. I'm really looking forward to it.
Well that's all the news to report as yet.
Desperate Housewives is about to be on...I must go
So here I sit...saturday night...single girl...22...not so bad looking (if i do say so myself)...yet no plans...just sitting at home alone =( *sniffle*....i'm quite bored...this is so not cool, not cool at all